This value of sincere acknowledgement of others has been on my mind a lot lately. The idea came to the forefront a while ago when I read a book about high stakes negotiating. More recently, the current divisiveness in American politics has provided innumerable reminders of what a lack of acknowledgement can lead to. It’s a skill that I’m afraid I have been neglecting for too long. On a larger scale, it is a necessary component of what will be needed in order for the current divisiveness to improve.
The book that I alluded to is “Never Split the Difference” by Chris Voss. The author uses stories of life-and-death hostage negotiations from when he worked for the FBI to illustrate tactics as well as keen insight into human motivation. Woven among the many great insights of the book is the need to understand others’ point of view, and articulate it so they know that you understand what they truly think and feel. Articulating their views acknowledges that their views are important, and this set a favorable foundation for coming to a positive outcome.
When people feel threatened or worried, they want to know that their concerns are heard. When these concerns are not acknowledged, their negative feelings will fester and lead to increased conflict and isolation. In some cases, this can lead to violence.
A sign that will help you recognize when people have a need to be understood but are not getting that need fulfilled is that they may repeat the same concerns over and over again, sometimes in increasingly dramatic ways. They repeat because they don’t think they’re being heard. They escalate because this lack of acknowledgement makes their frustration or fear grow. I see this in many protests, which may start calmly, but sometimes turn into damaging situations, or perhaps violate some sacred entity. The escalation is not necessarily directed at the thing that seems to be targeted, but comes from a desperate need to be heard.
When you notice that someone is expressing a grievance, you don’t always have to wait until it escalates to respond in a way that will help turn the negative thoughts or feelings into a more positive outcome. If you can listen to what they’re saying until you think you understand it, you can offer it back to them in your own words and ask them if you’re understanding them correctly. Hopefully, they’ll recognize your intentions and either verify that you got it right or make an attempt to help you understand. You’ll know that you’ve fully acknowledged their concerns when they say, as Chris Voss says in his book, “that’s right”. You don’t have to say that you agree, you just have to let them know that they’re being heard. Most likely, you’ll hear their voice change, and see the change in their body as their struggle to be heard is resolved. And there’s a good chance that no matter whether you personally agree or disagree with their concerns, the conversation will make a change for the better.
There’s another kind of acknowledgement that is more affirming, when you tell someone that you recognize their positive contributions. Pointing out that you noticed a kind gesture or determined effort will let others know that you realize the effort that they put into being kind or helpful. This is a currency more valuable than gold, but which costs nothing to give.
All of us need to be heard, to be noticed, and to be appreciated. Too often, this need is unmet. I believe that a lot of interpersonal problems, whether between two people or at a societal level, could be resolved or greatly improved if more of us were able to acknowledge the point of view of others.
As I mentioned already, I have been pretty bad about this for a long time. Only recently, I’ve been trying to be better about it. I don’t always remember to do this, but when I do I believe that it is making a significant difference.
I encourage you to think about giving acknowledgement to someone in your life to see if it makes a difference. You don’t have to give anything away, just see if you can say what the other person is thinking and get them to let you know that you got it by saying, “that’s right”. If you get to that point, watch and see if things get better.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on acknowledgement. Please reply with a comment and tell me a story of when an acknowledgement that you either gave or received made a difference.
